‘Compromise in relationship – necessary evil’. Successful relationship without compromise – sounds too good to be true. That’s what we are told from our childhood and we have seen around us. But when you start compromising in your relationship, don’t you feel like something is dying inside? Someway the warmth of the relationship is fading away? What started as a sincere effort to make your partner happy, turns into unwanted compulsion making you bitter day by day. You start expecting your partner to do the same – compromise to make you feel better. And when your expectation doesn’t get satisfied, arguments start. Isn’t there a better way? Indeed there is. Keep reading.
Compromise in Relationship: Common questions people have
Before writing this post, I wanted to check what questions real people are actually asking about this topic. Here are few I found:
Taken from Quora
- Why are compromises such a necessary part of any relationship? Can there be a relationship without compromises?
- How can I be happy in a relationship after compromising the things that I can’t deal with, if I get angry often after compromising?
- What should you do when you feel alone in a relationship and you compromise so much to make the one you love happy?
- What compromises, arrangements and agreements do people make with significant others to help their relationship work better?
- What is the limit of compromise you should make in a relationship?
- Why are modern relationships that are supposed to be equal between men and women, in actuality the man generally compromising for the woman, but not the reverse?
- What’s it like to make a huge compromise to maintain a relationship or marriage?
- How do you figure out when there is too much to compromise for a relationship to work out?
- What is the biggest compromise or sacrifice you’ve made for your partner that kept your relationship going?
- How have you compromised to keep your relationship going strong?
- Can relationships work out without compromising?
- For a relationship between a man and a woman to work, does the man have to be the one to make the most compromises?
I asked a question on Facebook too and got mixed answers:
So no wonder many people are searching for the answers. Once we (my partner and I) did too. Knowing each other for so long (25+ years … from the age of 3), we had to learn many lessons in hard way. That’s why I wanted to share this with you so that you can skip the pain and heartbreaks and enjoy your relationship without the need of compromising.
Let me share a recording of the session by Abraham Hicks (My greatest teacher yet!) on this topic:
Successful relationship without compromise : Abraham Hicks
Below I will share my notes from the above session and my thoughts along with it.
You are in charge of how you feel
Guess how the word ‘compromise’ enters your relationship? When you start assuming that you are in charge of making your partner feel good all the time and vice versa. You get so busy to make your partner feel good that you forget to work on feeling good yourself and then you get angry why your partner is not making as much effort to make you feel good.
If you are not selfish enough to feel good, you are not in a condition to give anything to anyone anyway.
How can you give anything to anyone if you don’t have that within you? You can give someone love, joy, confidence, appreciation only if you are filled with all those emotions. If you are empty (or worse – mad, frustrated, bitter) inside, you can pretend for a while but not for long.
If you or your partner thinks that one needs to be how other wants them to be for one to feel good, then your relationship is in trouble.
That’s when relationship starts to feel like compromise. Common grudges appear:
- ‘I am doing this and this to please him/her but still he/she doesn’t appreciate me’
- ‘I loved to do _ . But I stopped doing it to make you happy.’
- ‘I discontinued my profession because you wanted me to give more time to you, but still …’
- ‘I work so hard to give you _ , I don’t even take any time for myself, but still …’
( Nikieta and Pushpak pointed out two very important points. Nikieta pointed out that whatever you give up with love doesn’t feel like compromise. Pushpak pointed out not to confuse compromise with adjustment. Adjustment doesn’t make you feel bad as compromise does)
If you are giving this message to your partner ‘I am going to adjust my behavior to make you feel good, you don’t have to adjust your vibration’, you are in trouble. It might seem easy at first, but with time it will get difficult and suffocating. Better let your partner know with love that they need to learn how to feel good by themselves.
Think about a different scenario.
Imagine the delicious co-creation where you know that you are the creator of your own reality and your partner knows that they are the creator of their own reality. And neither one of you are holding the other one responsible for the way you feel. Both of you doing your best to feel good & looking for reasons to feel good about yourself, about each other, about the world in general. Imagine how wonderful it would be to come together with somebody who knows that!
Will that relationship feel like compromise? Nope!
How most relationships are
But most relationships are different. Most relationships say:
‘As you held me as your object of attention and appreciated me before you got to know me, before you found out what I am really like, because I’ve shown you my very best part, specially in the beginning; you stayed connected to source energy. Then as your connection to source energy held me as your object of attention, you showered all of those wonderful energies all over me. That felt so good. I am sure I am in love with you because it feels so good to have this experience. But now both of us are in little bit of trouble. I am only able to show the very best of me. Because if I show you who I truly am, you might not be able to feel the same way about me. And I will not be able to feel good if you stop showering those wonderful energies over me.’
Not being able to show your real self to your partner is the worst form of compromise.
How to be ready before starting a new relationship
Before starting a new relationship come to the understanding that the way you feel is purely up to you. You are no longer going to hold another being responsible for the way you feel. You’ve practiced yourself to up the emotional scale on so many topics that now you are feeling pretty good about almost anything. Now you are in a place to attract someone who is in similar vibrational state.
Abraham visited a woman who desperately wanted her son to find a partner. Conversation went as follows:
Woman: Will it be soon that he will find someone?
Abraham: Hopefully not.
(Woman was shocked because she thought that the girlfriend was the answer to all of his son’s depressions.)
Woman: Why wouldn’t you want him to find someone?
Abraham: If he finds someone now she will be just like him. She won’t like herself, she will be unemployed. She will be as lost as he is. Then they will blame each other.
Woman: Well that’s what’s been happening.
Take power in your own hand
Important thing is not to ask the other one to do something different to bring things into alignment. If you want your partner to change to feel good, they’ll feel that they are comprising.
If you take the power in own hands to make yourself feel better no matter where you are, anything can get to the place where you want it to be.
Start focusing on the essence of what you want in a relationship – which means not only how you want her to look or how you want her to sound but even more importantly how you want to feel when you are with her. ‘I want to feel loved. I want to feel appreciated. I want to feel confident. I want to feel capable.’
For Men: Embrace your emotional guidance
Don’t feel bad about negative emotion. Men often do that. ‘I am not supposed to be sensitive. I am not supposed to show or have emotions.’ Men need to understand that they are born with an emotional guidance system too. Women often like to tell men ‘Just follow what I say and you will be fine’. But men need to listen to their own guidance system and reach for the thoughts that feel best.
It’s not enough to be clear about what you want. You need to be a vibrational match to what you want.
Why people end up in unwanted relationships repeatedly
While leaving a relationship and looking for another, most people make the same mistake: They are sure about what they don’t want in next relationship instead of focusing their vibration on what they do want. That’s how they get stuck in relationships they don’t want again and again. Naturally those relationships feel like compromise.
Instead say general things such as
I am in the process of bringing myself into vibrational alignment with me and my partner is in the process of bringing herself to vibrational alignment with her . And I expect that when the universe lines up a rendezvous for us and I know it will, that we will recognise each other.
Most important advice:
Don’t look for the person who is going to be perfect for you as you evolve, five years from now or ten years from now. You’ll keep looking entire life or lose relationships over expecting. Look for the person who is perfect for you now and evolve together.
You can’t possibly attract the perfect mate who will be perfect for you forever and ever. Because you can’t possibly attract to yourself that you’ve not become.
Instead say: I am looking for someone who is tuned in, tapped in, turned on and I am working on being the same. And as we both are in vibrational alignment with who we are, we’ll evolve joyously together.
‘I understand what you are saying, but my partner doesn’t. What to do?’
That’s where most people get stuck. Let me remind you the fundamentals of Law of Attraction. You attract every experiences in your life according to YOUR predominant vibration (thoughts + feelings + words + actions). So you yourself has attracted this relationship with your partner (I know it’s difficult to accept if you are in a troubled relationship). And ONLY YOU can change this experience by changing YOUR vibration, doing what you learned in this post. When you are tuned into a different vibration, vibration of the relationship you want to be in, it is bound to manifest. Either your partner’s behavior will start to change (it seems magical trust me!) or someone better will be drawn towards you.
So from this very moment, take control of how you feel. Set your partner free from the impossible task of making yourself feel good all the time. Let them know that they don’t have to compromise anything for you. Tell them that you love them, but don’t need them to feel good. Whatever you do for your partner from now on, it won’t feel like compromise, you’ll do with love and joy. Because you’ve already taken care of yourself first. You have so much love, joy, happiness, positivity, appreciation brewing within yourself; that you’ll be eager to share with your partner. ‘Compromise’ word will slowly fade away from your relationship.
Did you find what I shared in this post useful? Please share with others and don’t forget to leave your comments below. I’d love to know your thoughts.